Poonam Singh Jamwal

                                                                Director –AmityCARE

                                                                     (Parenting)

‘Students Found with Drugs in School', reports a national daily. Media has been talking about the accessibility and use of drugs amongst the young in the city. It is a cause of concern but the latest news sent the alarm bells pealing. Even though it is finally believed that it was just tobacco, why even tobacco? This is a generation exposed to health awareness campaigns. They are conscious of the implication of addiction or promiscuous behavior. Curiosity of this age group aside (12-16), why should there be disregard for personal health, age and school decorum. It is pushing envelop of irreverence.

We can go into social factors of increasing buying power, low parental involvement, and breakdown of family systems, consumerism and impact of media. But the fact remains that parents today are more involved and concerned then ever before and media across board shares the similar concern for young people's well being.

We have to look for gaps in parenting. Are we concerned about the irrelevant and being ignorant of the relevant? In parenting small things are big things and big things just a natural result of small things.

Let's explore a young world.

Child wakes in the morning at 6.00 to reach for football practice. 8.00 walks into the classroom. He interacts with class friends. They talk about the upcoming exams, boring teachers, movies seen and movies to be watched, football match, problems with girls and senior class bullies. Back home. Lunch, television (what??) and on the internet for a chat (with who??). Tuition, dance class (who are the mates??), back home for milk and biscuits, back to the playground for basketball (with whom??), back home TV (what??), bath? Dinner, sleep.

Parental interaction-morning ½ an hour, evening 1 hour.

Grand parent interaction- 2 hours

Peer interaction-7-3/5-9=10 hrs a day.

What we get is that peers, are the chief influencers in the adolescent life. This is the age when they want to belong and connect. They are going through emotional, physical and mental changes and are comfortable to align with the set that might be going through the same phase. As they are grappling with self esteem and image issues, they tend to gravitate to self assured set. They measure their state of well being on the ‘Peer O Meter'.

Teens often behave and make decisions based on their perceptions of what their peers think. These in most cases are not reality based, thought processes. If they had run through the adult screen test, even during a casual conversation, it would have had a scope for thought corrections. The growing individualism and privacy is perpetuating unreal thought processes. To add to that is the fantastic imagination and imagery that teens have, which magnifies the problem out of context.

Besides, the new media is creating a virtual community which is beyond adult comprehension thus the natural adult supervision is minimizing despite the child being within your reach. Nuclear working families have reduced adult support group. Previously, parents were supported by other adults like relatives, grand parents, community, priest, and teachers. The structure that maintained them within the basic realities of their families and their communities is non existent. Children today are insulated from these realities. Thus, they tend to become social misfits and reclusive, further being exposed to unwanted peer influence.

The influence of the peers is not direct but is tacit. If the adults are not available for readjusting their gathered perceptions to the reality, they carry forward these distorted version of being victimized, ignored or neglected, as the absolute truths. And their peer context becomes the prime reference point for behavior. Experimentation whether sexual or substance abuse, are done in the friendly atmosphere, just to feel the belongingness

Negative peer influence may work, particularly within a small friendship group, and leads from one slightly deviant activity to a more serious break with acceptable behavior. It distances an adolescent from prosocial activities such as schoolwork and team sports. In turn, this distancing will have a further negative impact on parents who are concerned about their child's sudden loss of interest in developing his human capital.

Having high-achieving peers can influence children's and adolescents' enjoyment of school as well as contribute to raising their own test scores and expectations (Mounts and Steinberg, 1995). Peer seems to be a relatively more potent source of influence than parents in terms of school performance. Create a circle of achievement and let your child be a catalyst in change by hand holding him to taste the headiness of success. Let go, but not absolutely.

As parents, our need is to be needed. As teenagers, their need is not to need us... This can be our finest hour. To let go when we want to hold on requires utmost generosity and love.
- Dr Haim Ginott, Between Parent and Teenager

There are some small ways of converting the peer influence into a positive one.

a) Know your child's friends

b) Volunteer to take them for movies or to game practices

c) Invite them to stay over and include them into discussions/outings.

e) Create an atmosphere of accessibility and affection. Lead by example.

f) Define boundaries together and do not compromise –be it money, net/cell time or outdoor time.

g) Share the TV time, internet and learn the video games. Know what makes them tick.

h) Let them make independent decision and make them responsible for some part of their social commitments and economic outflow.

Whatever the fear of the negative peer influences, if your child has a happy home and responsible parenting he will lend the positive influence to his peer group. The camaraderie and learning from within the peer group is essential and treasured. These relationships lend depth and expression to young people. Most are transitory and some last for life time. Peers are the true partners of parents in shaping their young. Focus on love as absolute, love never corrupts, as long as it is not blind.

The Youth Side Gallery

ACNielsen ORG-MARG's survey on attitudes to life among youth segmented them into the following types:

Balancing Lot "Responsibility towards family and my freedom both are important."

Typically upper and upper-middle-class males and females.

Self-expression and freedom are important, but so are family values and social norms.

Money maniacs "Money is God."
Mostly males from middle to lower-middle-class, they see success purely as a function of money.

Desi youth "Hindi Pop Indian MTV - really good entertainment."

Lower-middle to middle-class males and females. Indian values are strongly entrenched but they are in awe of western culture.

Cool guys "Reeboks and Lees are a must for me."
Affluent males and females, who have adopted western lifestyle and culture, spend lavishly and are image-conscious.

Repressed Soul "My parents don't let me do what I want."

There is frustration and dejection, but these young people - mostly lower middle/ middle-class females - are resigned to their fate.

The 'cool guy' and 'money maniac' types are visible due to their conspicuous consumption and media interest in their lifestyle. But the 'balanced lot' is increasing in number, according to Sarang Panchal, executive director (customized research) at AC Nielsen ORG MARG
massive social upheaval.

 

Ref: The youth-side gallery executive director (customized research) at ACNielsen ORG-MARG.