For The Working Mother – Challenge To Bring Up A Responsible Adult
                                                            Nilima Barde
                                                 Psychologist – Amity Care

The flood of women in workplaces today throws up a lot of challenges for those who are also parents. Today's women are different from their working mothers because they are here with stronger career aspirations. Most are not just doing a job but have bigger dreams and hold responsible and powerful positions. This no doubt causes polarization of family and career for the modern woman. Parenthood causes a crucial transition (even more than marriage) for both men and women and thus gives rise to the controversy “Should a woman have a career or a child?”

There may never be enough reasons to convince some people, but for those of us who believe in science and have faith in scientific research there is a lot going for women who have strong career aspirations. Studies supporting maternal employment (mostly conducted in developed nations) suggest that children of working mothers:

•  Have better cognitive skills, language skills and have fewer problems rising from attachment.
•  Are less dependent on adults and are more self-sufficient.
•  Have better social skills and are more egalitarian in their approach.
•  Research also suggests that working mothers have a more positive influence on girls than on their baby boys

At the time when there was a steep raise in women employment in the western world, some researchers believed that as more and more women enter the work force and devote less time to domestic chores, more and more husbands become involved in household tasks and so do the children. Thus these children will learn “to be responsible' by contributing to the household work.

This may hold true for the developed world but we should neither blindly accept nor follow. Given family dynamics, child rearing practices and living conditions in our country, working women should be more aware of their parenting style. We should be more aware of what we are teaching our children in the little time that we are with them. And also what are our children learning from those who take care of them while we are at work.

The task no doubt is tough. Here are a few guidelines especially for working mothers to help them balance the act between work and home and in the process bring up your child to be a responsible adult.

•  Assign household chores to children according to their age and capability. E.g. let your child help you in folding laundry, placing ironed clothes into the cupboard, washing vegetables and fruits and arranging the dinner table etc. Most mothers take the entire responsibility of household chores onto themselves and feel guilty sharing small odd jobs with their children. On the other hand some mothers expect a lot more help from their children and the child feels overburdened and resents any sort of responsibility. It is thus important to strike a balance. Giving children age appropriate household work makes them feel responsible and gives them a sense of worth. But the crucial thing to remember is your child's age, capability and free time available. Some mothers get hassled by the quality of work their child puts in. At moments like these it is time for mothers to take a pause and ask themselves “what is more important, is it that a pillow cover be neatly folded or that you must appreciate the genuine effort that your child is making to help you and at the same time learning an important lesson for an entire lifetime?” If you can only find faults in what your child is doing, don't expect him/her to help you the next time around. But if you can appreciate your child's sincerity, you've found yourself a true empathic helper and ensured that you are bringing up a sensitive adult.
•  Let your child take up complete responsibility for at least one household chore. E.g. getting milk in the morning. Your child will be completely responsible for this job and if he/she fails, everyone in the house bares the consequences - Black tea for all! Until and unless you don't let your child know how his irresponsible behavior affects everyone else in the family including himself/ herself, he/she will not learn some important lessons of life. Some children in Indian households have tuff schedules given 7-8 hours of school, distances from home to school, tuitions etc. So if your child has long days during school time, you can keep this for the summer or diwali holidays.
•  Share your experiences at work with your child. Make them a part of your world. Share your dreams, your aspirations, your competition, and your relations with your colleagues and boss etc. this will help your children empathies with you as they grow up.
•  Have your children maintain a personal account book . Most children resist this, as they never see their parents maintain their own accounts. So begin with keeping your own accounts and your child will follow. If your child is older, get him/her to maintain the household account. So every night everyone in the family is to give him/her the update of their daily spending. This will teach your child how everyone in the family is answerable to each other for their actions.
•  Give your child the power to make decisions. Instead of you deciding which chores your child should do, make a list of the things you think he/she is capable of. Then let your child decide which ones he wants to take responsibility for. You can also chalk out a weekly chart together. Apart from this, let your child be a part of the decisions that you make for him/her. Eg. Which tuition teacher to go to? Which hobby class should they pursue during holidays? Where to go for the next family vacation? The best way to do this is to first let your child understand the rational behind the discussion, what are your expectations and why you need to make this decision.

Being responsible doesn't have to come naturally neither does it have to come easily. Children who are taught responsibility develop a sense of worth. They also develop empathy and are more sensitive to others needs.